humour – Tim Jones

12 November 2008: New Zealand Cricket announce that, due to scheduling conflicts, the previously-announced international cricket tours by the West Indies and India in Summer 2008/09 will not proceed. They are to be replaced respectively by the Turks and Caicos Islands and Bhutan.

14 November 2008: New Zealand Cricket announces that, following detailed research on weather patterns which shows that the east of the country had the best weather leading up to Christmas, all pre-Christmas international matches will be scheduled in the Chatham Islands, 750 km to the east of mainland New Zealand, and all post-Christmas matches at Milford Sound.

22 November 2008: Diarist takes son out for first cricket practice of the year. They work on batting, bowling, and retrieving ball from small, angry dog.

2 December 2008: New Zealand cricket announces creation of a full-time motivational speaker position as part of Black Caps infrastructure, to join psychologist, phrenologist, psephologist, garbologist, and escapologist. Batting coach position remains vacant.

6 December 2008: Tony Robbins, well known for his late-night infomercials, appointed to NZ Cricket motivational speaker position.

7 December 2008: Turks and Caicos Islands arrive for pre-Christmas tour.

9 December 2008: Announcement in Goa that, in additional to the Indian Premier League (IPL) and the Indian Cricket League (ICL), a Goa Outstation League (GOL), featuring eight teams of domestic and international players, will be formed to contest a Twenty20 competition beginning in 2009. GOL immediately begins recruiting New Zealand test players, ex-players and fringe players not already signed up to the IPL and ICL.

10 December 2008: Unnamed New Zealand U-19 player accidentally signs to IPL, ICL and GOL on same day. Lawyers briefed.

11 December 2008: First Test between New Zealand and Turks and Caicos begins in Waitangi, Chatham Islands. Rain stops play after 3 balls.

15 December 2008: Test ends in draw. Scoreboard: NZ 0/0 (0.3 overs)

18-22 December 2008: Second Test also ends in draw. Scoreboard: Turks and Caicos 0/0 (0.2 overs). “We can take a lot of positives from this series”, says New Zealand coach Tony Robbins.

Late December, early January: Christmas, one day matches, etc. Diarist takes son out for second cricket practice. They work on cutting grass, mowing pitch, and remedies for heat exhaustion.

8 January 2009: Kevin Pietersen resigns, and Peter Moores is sacked, as England cricket captain and coach, due to musical and personal differences.

8 January 2009 (p.m.): Diarist woken by surprise phone call from a “Colonel Mustard” of the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB), sounding out diarist’s availability to take over as England cricket coach. Caller explains that he is investigating option of appointing Grimsby-born one-test England veteran Darren Pattinson as the new England captain, and that as both Darren Pattinson and your diarist were born in Grimsby, diarist was therefore logical choice as coach. Diarist says that he will think about it.

8 January 2009 (p.m., later, after restorative brandy): Diarist makes return call to ECB to decline coaching job, instead recommending Arjuna Ranatunga as coach and Douglas Jardine as captain.

9 January 2009: Unnamed source within ECB leaks details of late-night call offering coaching position. Diarist described as “tired and emotional” in English cricketing media. Lawyers briefed.

16 January 2009: In cascade of developments, Tony Robbins appointed as new England cricket coach, John Major as captain, and George W. Bush as motivational speaker. In simultaneous announcement, residency requirements relaxed so that Kevin Pietersen can be appointed as New Zealand cricket captain and Peter Moores as New Zealand coach.

22 January 2009: Bhutan arrives for three-test, one Twenty20 International (T20I), seventeen One-Day International tour. Coincidentally, formation of new Bhutan Royal League (BRL) announced at special meeting of New Zealand Cricket Players’ Association.

25 January 2009: Diarist takes son out for third cricket practice, aiming to teach son to play cut shot. Diarist then bowls series of leg-side long-hops which are deposited by son into gorse bush, storm drain, nearby supermarket carpark, etc. Diarist eventually convinces son to take guard two feet outside leg stump, and completes session on satisfactory note by bowling son with knee-high full toss. Diarist reaffirms that he will buy pads for son before next cricket season.

Feb, March 2009: First two tests against Bhutan, entire ODI series, and only T20I rained out without a ball being bowled.

3 April 2009: Third and deciding NZ-Bhutan test begins on time at Milford Sound during unexpected summer. New Zealand win toss and opt to bowl.

7 April 2009: Third and deciding NZ-Bhutan test ends in thrilling fashion. Set 27 to win, NZ reach 25 without incident before succumbing to fast, hostile inswinging yorkers from Bhutanese pace bowler W Younis (no relation). Bhutan celebrate one-run victory. “We can take a lot of positives from the first 25 runs,” says Moores.

8 April 2009: Diarist sounded out for motivational speaker position with Bhutanese side.

Presents. We all need to come up with them from time to time: for Christmas, for birthdays, for other holidays. But what to buy? For many situations, the answer is short story collection Transported, by Tim Jones (which you can buy online from Fishpond, New Zealand Books Abroad (for both overseas and New Zealand residents), or Whitcoulls). Here’s ten reasons why.

Teenagers: Although – or perhaps because? – Transported wasn’t written with a Young Adult audience in mind, I’ve heard that it’s doing well in high schools, among both boys and girls. So if you’re looking to buy a present for that young man whom you wish would read more, or that young woman who has recently started writing short stories, Transported is the book to give them.

Adults: But just because Transported is a good gift for teenagers doesn’t make it an unsuitable gift for adults. Transported is packed with adult themes and content. There’s sex (discreet), violence (not too much), and language. In fact, it’s nothing but language from the first page to the last.

Fun: Transported is fun. Don’t take my word for it: listen to reviewer Mike Crowl, who says: “Tim Jones’ Transported is a pleasant surprise. None of the tales have that kind of super-seriousness about them that’s typical of NZ short stories. Instead, they’re an intriguing mix of tongue-in-cheek, subtle humour, history turned inside out, and sci-fi”.

Funny: It’s not only fun – it’s funny. There are jokes, quips, and jests. There is surrealism, absurdism, and plain old silliness. Reviewer Rosemarie Smith says: “The mix is clever and compelling, and though there may not be much riotous laughing out loud, there’s many a quiet chuckle.” So Transported is the perfect book for buses, trains and planes, where riotous laughing out loud won’t go down well.

Proudly local: Transported is as New Zealand as the All Blacks, Lemon and Paeroa, and our banking system – oh, hang on a minute …

But anyway, the contents include stories set in Southland, Fiordland, Dunedin, and Wellington. Palmerston North gets a look-in too. It’s as New Zealand as a Tourism New Zealand billboard!

Confidently international: Tired of stories set in provincial backwaters? Ready to go exploring? Then take a trip to the Caribbean, Russia, the USA or even Dubbo. Investigate the inner workings of the Soviet Politburo, the Australian Tax Office, and the College de France. Meet famous historical figures such as Michel Foucault, V.I. Lenin and Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Live a little!

Boldly outerspatial: Hard to find presents for the alien in your life? Cow tipping and rectal probing not really doing it for them any more? Then invite them to kick back and relax with tales that encompass election campaigns contested by talking kangaroos, eyes that work like telescopes, and how alien immigrants are received by the inhabitants of a typical New Zealand street.

Epiphanacious (not sure this is actually a word, but what am I, an author?): Everybody knows that proper short stories must include an epiphany, a still, small moment in which the protagonist experiences a moment of revelation about his or her life. New research reveals that 11 out of the 27 stories in Transported contain an epiphany. That’s over 40% proper short fiction in one compact volume!

Value for money: Transported contains 27 stories, and its recommended retail price is NZ$27.99. That’s only a dollar a story (apart from a few inconvenient cents which we can account for as “rounding error”). A buck a story? That’s real value!

Readily available: Sure, you can buy Transported online, but it’s also available in lots of New Zealand bookshops. A full list is here, and it includes Whitcoulls, Dymocks and Borders branches, Unity Books, and many independent booksellers, such as McLeods (Rotorua), Page and Blackmore (Nelson), and Wadsworths (New Plymouth).

So there you have it. Transported. You will be.

Tag: humour

Diary of a New Zealand Cricket Fan

Ten Reasons Why Transported Makes a Great Present